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Dan,
I am having a problem at work. I've been up for several promotions over the past few years, but I always seem to be passed over for some reason. I try to be honest, and I tend to speak my mind, both qualities that I think are admirable but some of my co-workers feel that might have something to do with why I have not been promoted. What do you think? Is speaking your mind and being honest a bad way to act at work?
Wants to be promoted from Ohio
Wants to be promoted,
It sounds as if you have a career-limiting tendency called 'blurting'. It is a rare condition, but it does pop up from time to time. While it may be rare, you are not alone. There are estimated to be over a hundred thousand cases reported in the U.S. alone, and this is just counting work-blurters. When you add in recreational-blurters the numbers soar.
I, too, suffer from blurting. And, like you, I was first diagnosed at work due to its career-limiting aspects.
Most people learn from early childhood that honesty is a virtue that is paid lip-service to but is not always followed. This lesson is learned from our parents, our friends, and society as a whole.
Parents, for example, will tell a child that they must be honest. They might stress that honesty when the child does something wrong saying something like, "I know you stole a cookie from the cookie jar. Now, just be honest about it." This might stress the virtue of honesty, but the very same parent might express to the very same kid that there are 'just some things that are better not said' when the child vocally notes that his aunt is vastly overweight or his uncle smells like feet.
Certainly, parents do not follow a strict diet of honesty when speaking about such things as Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy. Some psychologists feel that it is the realization that Santa Claus is not real that imprints the lesson that honesty is not always followed.
For those that did not learn the lesson in childhood, for those that blurt, there are methods that can be used to limit how the disorder effects them at work, at home and while interacting with friends. The key is to pause before saying anything, whether you are going to answer a question or are just launching into the story of what happened to you the night before. Pause, and ask yourself, "What the hell am I about to say?" Note that it is important to stress "the hell" in that question. Most of us blurters really don't know what the hell we are about to say, and you really want to ask yourself what the hell it is you are going to say. However, if you practice the art of pausing and thinking before talking you will soon find yourself able to edit what you say and determine the most appropriate way to say it (if it needs being said at all).
The real question is: How do you want to edit yourself?
Most people determine that honesty and speaking your mind are life-limiting. Calling your boss fat, after all, is a sure way to remain a file clerk the rest of your life. Most people realize this and maintain a code of silence, some even take it a step forward and live by a decree of selective dishonesty. "My, that dress really looks nice on you," seems a simple lie, but when paired with a boss being the intended target it can have quite the opposite effect of calling them fat -- the person that notes the dress looks nice, no matter how the dress actually looks, is the person that often gets promoted.
However, while society as a whole tends to frown on honesty and speaking your mind, and the practice of both can definitely create life challenges, there are a growing number of people who have rebelled against society's dictates and stand by the challenge of honesty. This does not mean they go around offering such information as 'hey, you are fat' and 'hey, you are a bit ugly but if I had a few beers you'd look okay' to every person they pass on the street. No, honesty does not mean saying what you think at all times, but it does mean saying what you think when you are asked, or when you feel it is very important to offer up the information.
This is not to say that the art of pausing should be abandoned. You can live an honest life and still ask yourself, "Am I about to call this person fat?" And, while some who have taken the challenge of honesty to the extreme might scream to hear me say it, there are times when a little dishonesty, a little bit of 'You seem to have lost a few pounds', might even be okay. No matter what the extremists might say, we do not live in a black and white world, and even honesty is not an absolute. But, there is no doubt that living a life of honesty, even for those of us that try to balance it with the greater good, is more of a challenge.
Which route is right for you? If you travel the route of honesty you'll probably never make it into middle-management, though some have managed to break through into management by having a manager that is also a blurter. You'll find that people in all areas of your life will find you "odd". And for this, for overcoming the challenge of being honest, you will gain the reward of being an honest person.
To most, that doesn't sound like much of a reward at all. And, for those, their path is clear. To some, though, the reward of being an honest person is like candy canes at christmas, or cotton candy at the circus, or other examples of sugary alliteration. And, for those, the challenges are worth it.
Hope that helps,
Dan
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